“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them.” - Rainer Maria Rilke
What I’m up to
Preparing Kubo for another check in. Today’s guest is coming for ten days - so that means we’re hands off for a week and a half and that sounds lovely. We just stayed here over the weekend and enjoyed things like: et mangal (you grill you own meat at your table) and long naps (in sunshine with blankets).
What I’m watching
Kevin McCloud is back with more Grand Designs. We’re finding this season on YouTube. We are here for it and finally ready to watch other people’s crazy builds after enduring our own. In hindsight we realize that if Kevin journeyed with us for the Kubo build he would have been like, “I don’t even live in Turkey and I know you guys are crazy.”
How I’m failing
Speaking of things that can feel like failures, last week I completely burned a box brownie mix that I’d brought from Canada and saved for a special occasion. I monitored it, I poked it, and still I burned it. I decided to confess a failure to you under a heading because I just can’t take myself too seriously.
But more recently, I missed an important meeting because I didn’t write it in my calendar and then got confused with the time change. It was a meeting where many participants were meeting in person and I just wish I was there in person.
And now, please send me your made-from-scratch brownie recipes bc I only have one box mix.
What I’m eating
So while I’m *not* eating brownies, I did make this delicious dish with leftover bacon that TRENT FOUND FOR EASTER.
Full disclosure: I ate a brownie today at The Dose and it’s made with magic, I’m convinced.
What I’m thinking about
I’m finding rest in chaos and having a hard time calming down when the chaos is gone. For example: I napped better on Sunday with Aliyah playing on the couch beside me than I did when she went down for her own nap. I found myself scrolling and trying to create noise in order to rest. It seems backwards and I’m getting curious about it.
In a similar vein, I find myself mentally writing drafts of this email on a daily basis. They feel like profound thoughts on things like spiritual identity, culture, and belonging but then when I sit down to actually write, I feel stumped.
I notice myself grasping for identity. I think that’s what I’m doing on social media: checking to confirm my internet persona to remind me who I am. I feel better when I write words and connect with people - even if that’s simply online. Going from staying at home all day every day for almost 3 years to now getting a couple of days a week outside of the home feels like part of that identity shift. Also, we are coming out of the pandemic (I can confidently say that’s what it feels like here - while from Canadian news, you all are on Wave 6? You okay?) - with two businesses and I think we’re still wrapping our heads around that.
What I’m listening to
In my quest for something to hold on to in regards to identity, the first episode of this podcast brought me to tears. I felt understood and less alone.
This is the beginnings of my summer playlist. Your suggestions are very welcome.
What I’m learning
The Rilke quote above has been a part of my life for a while. One summer during college I saw it hand written on an index card on the wall of a dorm room I was staying in. It gave me so much freedom and permission to just *be* and not have to figure things out. I’m leaning into that quote again - reminded of it by the above podcast.
I get to sit in the tension of not figuring things out. Not feeling like I have a definitive final product to attach to my identity. I get to be ME and enjoy the mystery.
What I’m Googling
the good and the beautiful language arts
hm turkiye
antalya glamping
Until next week,
cer